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For parents & partners · AlongsideSupporting someone with an eating disorder? Our 24/7 coach tells you exactly what to say in the moment, the way an expert clinician would.Try it free →
For parents, partners, siblings & friends

You can’t love it away. But you can help them beat it.

A coaching guide for the people who love someone with an eating disorder: what to say, what not to say, and how to support without policing or enabling. Written by clinicians, many of whom have been on both sides of the table.

What to say (and not say)Get weekly coaching
What families tell us

“I don’t know what to say at dinner anymore.”

“Every time I bring it up, it turns into a fight.”

“Am I helping, or am I making it worse?”

“I’m exhausted, and I’m scared.”

If this is you, you’re in the right place.
The most important idea

Separate the person from the illness.

Inside everyone with an eating disorder there are two voices: their healthy self, who wants a full life, and the eating disorder self, who wants control. When your loved one lies, rages or refuses, that’s often the eating disorder talking.

Your job is to stay connected to the healthy self, and to stay calm and firm with the eating disorder. You’re not fighting your child, partner or friend. You’re fighting beside them.

Healthy selfWants friends, school, work, love, a future. Talk to this part. Remind them it’s there.
Eating disorder selfWants rules, control and secrecy. Don’t argue with it. Don’t take what it says personally.
Who are you supporting?

Coaching for your role.

Support looks different for a parent of a 14-year-old than for a husband or a best friend. Pick yours.

My child or teenMy adult childMy partner or spouseMy siblingMy friend
You can take the leadFor children and teens, the strongest evidence supports parents taking charge of meals with their treatment team (Family-Based Treatment). That isn’t policing. It’s doing for them what the eating disorder won’t let them do yet.
Same team, same messageAgree with your co-parent on the plan before meals, not in front of your child. Split households can still be one team.
Keep them a kidProtect time for things that have nothing to do with food: a show, a walk, a game. Your relationship is part of the medicine.
Siblings need you tooGive brothers and sisters simple, honest language and their own one-on-one time. They’re often scared and overlooked.
Words matter

Instead of this, try this.

You will say the wrong thing sometimes. Everyone does. Repair counts more than perfection: “I didn’t say that well. Can I try again?”

✕Instead of: “Just eat. It’s not that hard.”
✓Try: “I know this feels really hard. I’m right here, and we’ll get through this meal together.”
✕Instead of: “You look so much healthier now!”
✓Try: “It’s so good to see you laughing again.”
✕Instead of: “Why are you doing this to us?”
✓Try: “I know the eating disorder isn’t you. I’m on your side against it.”
✕Instead of: “Did you throw up? Tell me the truth.”
✓Try: “I’m worried about what I noticed earlier. Can we talk about it with your team?”
✕Instead of: “That’s so unhealthy. You shouldn’t eat that.”
✓Try: “All foods fit.” (Better yet, say nothing about the food at all.)
✕Instead of: “I really need to lose a few pounds.”
✓Try: Nothing about your own body or diet, in front of them or anyone else.
✕Instead of: “You’re fine. You don’t look sick.”
✓Try: “You don’t have to look sick to be struggling. I believe you.”
✕Instead of: “If you finish your plate, you can go out tonight.”
✓Try: “This meal is part of your treatment. Let’s get through it, and then we’ll watch our show.”
✕Instead of: “Calm down, you’re overreacting.”
✓Try: “It makes sense that you’re upset. I’m not going anywhere.”
✕Instead of: “When will you be better?”
✓Try: “Recovery takes time, and I’m in it with you for as long as it takes.”
The balance

Support, without policing or enabling.

Most loving families swing between the first two. The goal is the third: warm and firm at the same time.

PolicingDriven by fear. It usually pushes the eating disorder underground.
  • Checking plates, trash cans and bathrooms
  • Interrogating: “What did you eat today?”
  • Weighing them or commenting on their body
  • Making new food rules of your own
  • Reading their phone or journal
EnablingDriven by love and exhaustion. It lets the eating disorder make the rules.
  • Cooking separate “safe” meals on demand
  • Only buying the foods the disorder allows
  • Avoiding restaurants, holidays and events
  • Reassuring about weight again and again
  • Covering up behaviors or skipped appointments
SupportingWarm and firm at the same time. This is what helps.
  • Following the meal plan from their team
  • Eating together, calmly and regularly
  • Validating feelings while holding the plan
  • Setting boundaries you can keep
  • Talking to the person, not the disorder
A note for parents of children and teens: in family-based treatment, parents do take charge of meals for a while, with guidance from the team. Done calmly and as part of a plan, that is support, not policing.
Know your caring style

Which animal are you today?

A well-known framework for families of people with eating disorders. Most of us slip into the first five under stress. The goal is to spend more time as a dolphin or a St. Bernard.

Common, not helpfulJellyfishVery emotional and hard to steady. Big reactions can make home feel unsafe.
Common, not helpfulOstrichAvoids the topic and hopes it passes. Your loved one may feel unseen.
Common, not helpfulKangarooDoes everything for them to avoid upset. Takes away their chance to build confidence.
Common, not helpfulRhinoArgues and pushes the point. Usually makes the eating disorder’s voice louder.
Common, not helpfulTerrierNags and repeats. Often leads to hiding and tuning out.
HelpfulDolphinGuides gently, sometimes leading, sometimes swimming alongside. Asks what would help.
HelpfulSt. BernardCalm, warm and steady, every single time. Brings hope that recovery is possible.
At the table

How to get through a hard meal.

01BeforeEat together at regular times. Keep the mood calm. Plan a distraction for after the meal. Agree on the plan with other adults ahead of time.
02DuringTalk about anything except food, weight and bodies. Gentle, steady encouragement. No negotiating portions at the table; the plan is the plan.
03AfterStay together for 30 to 60 minutes with a game, show or walk. Notice effort out loud: “I know that was hard. You did it.”
When to get help right away

Trust your gut.

  • Fainting, dizziness, chest pain or a racing or very slow heartbeat
  • Vomiting several times a day, or blood in vomit
  • Refusing all food or fluids
  • Confusion or extreme weakness
  • Any talk of suicide or self-harm
Medical emergency: call 911 or go to the nearest ER. Suicidal thoughts: call or text 988.
Take care of you

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Caring for someone with an eating disorder is exhausting. Your sleep, your own therapy, your friendships and your marriage all matter, and they make you a steadier support.

The Support Circle · For parents, partners & families only

Weekly coaching for the people doing the hardest job.

A free weekly email written by our eating disorder clinicians, just for support people. Each one tackles a real situation, with the exact words to try, what to avoid, and how to look after yourself through it.

You’ll get coaching on
  • What to say when they refuse a meal
  • Holidays and family events
  • When your teen says “I hate you”
  • Supporting a spouse without becoming the food police
  • Taking care of yourself
  • Relapse warning signs
Join the Support Circle Send me the coaching → Free. One email a week. Unsubscribe anytime. Educational support only, not therapy or medical advice. Please don’t share your loved one’s health details here.
Keep learning

Books we recommend to families.

These shaped how we coach families. Our team is happy to talk through any of them with you.

Your Dieting DaughterCarolyn CostinDo’s and don’ts for parents on food, weight, body image and recognizing an eating disorder early.
8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating DisorderCarolyn Costin & Gwen Schubert GrabbThe “healthy self vs. eating disorder self” approach, written by clinicians who recovered themselves.
Skills-based Caring for a Loved One with an Eating DisorderJanet Treasure, Gráinne Smith & Anna CraneThe caring styles above, plus communication skills for families and partners.
Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating DisorderJames Lock & Daniel Le GrangeA practical guide to family-based treatment for parents of teens.
Questions families ask
My loved one says they’re fine. What do I do?

Denial is part of the illness. Share what you’ve noticed, specifically and kindly, and suggest a free consult “just to check.” You can call us first on your own to talk it through.

Can I come to therapy without them?

Yes. Parent coaching and family sessions can start before your loved one is ready, and they often help them get there.

Is it my fault?

No. Eating disorders are complex illnesses with genetic, biological and environmental roots. Families don’t cause them, and families are one of the most powerful parts of recovery.

What if they’re over 18?

You can still get support for yourself, share your concerns, and encourage treatment. With their permission, we can include you in their care.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

A free, private call for parents, partners and families. We’ll help you understand what’s happening and what to do next.

Alongside · For parents, partners & families

Know exactly what to say, in the moment it matters.

Alongside is a 24/7 coach for the people supporting someone with an eating disorder. Built on the approaches leading eating disorder clinicians use and on current research, it tells you exactly what to say and do in the moment, the way an expert clinician would coach you. Type, or talk out loud.

✓ Word-for-word help at the table, right now✓ Built by our eating disorder specialists on expert, research-based approaches✓ Practice hard conversations before you have them✓ English and Spanish
Try Alongside free →Takes 10 seconds to start.
Alongside is a support tool, not treatment or therapy. In a crisis, call or text 988, or call 911.
Alongside · at the table right nowShe pushed her plate away and said she’s not hungry. What do I say?Stay calm and close. Try: “I know this is really hard. I’m right here, and we’re going to finish this together.” Keep your voice low and steady, and don’t debate the food.She said I’m ruining her life.That’s the eating disorder talking, not your daughter. You can say: “I love you too much to let this decide for you.” Then gently return to the meal.
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×For parents & partnersNot sure what to say at the table?Alongside, our 24/7 coach, gives you the exact words in the moment, the way an expert eating disorder clinician would.Try it free →Not now