Joyful Therapy Group
Find my match
You can’t love it away. But you can help them beat it.
A coaching guide for the people who love someone with an eating disorder: what to say, what not to say, and how to support without policing or enabling. Written by clinicians, many of whom have been on both sides of the table.
What to say (and not say)Get weekly coaching“I don’t know what to say at dinner anymore.”
“Every time I bring it up, it turns into a fight.”
“Am I helping, or am I making it worse?”
“I’m exhausted, and I’m scared.”
If this is you, you’re in the right place.Separate the person from the illness.
Inside everyone with an eating disorder there are two voices: their healthy self, who wants a full life, and the eating disorder self, who wants control. When your loved one lies, rages or refuses, that’s often the eating disorder talking.
Your job is to stay connected to the healthy self, and to stay calm and firm with the eating disorder. You’re not fighting your child, partner or friend. You’re fighting beside them.
Coaching for your role.
Support looks different for a parent of a 14-year-old than for a husband or a best friend. Pick yours.
Instead of this, try this.
You will say the wrong thing sometimes. Everyone does. Repair counts more than perfection: “I didn’t say that well. Can I try again?”
Support, without policing or enabling.
Most loving families swing between the first two. The goal is the third: warm and firm at the same time.
- Checking plates, trash cans and bathrooms
- Interrogating: “What did you eat today?”
- Weighing them or commenting on their body
- Making new food rules of your own
- Reading their phone or journal
- Cooking separate “safe” meals on demand
- Only buying the foods the disorder allows
- Avoiding restaurants, holidays and events
- Reassuring about weight again and again
- Covering up behaviors or skipped appointments
- Following the meal plan from their team
- Eating together, calmly and regularly
- Validating feelings while holding the plan
- Setting boundaries you can keep
- Talking to the person, not the disorder
Which animal are you today?
A well-known framework for families of people with eating disorders. Most of us slip into the first five under stress. The goal is to spend more time as a dolphin or a St. Bernard.
How to get through a hard meal.
Trust your gut.
- Fainting, dizziness, chest pain or a racing or very slow heartbeat
- Vomiting several times a day, or blood in vomit
- Refusing all food or fluids
- Confusion or extreme weakness
- Any talk of suicide or self-harm
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Caring for someone with an eating disorder is exhausting. Your sleep, your own therapy, your friendships and your marriage all matter, and they make you a steadier support.
Weekly coaching for the people doing the hardest job.
A free weekly email written by our eating disorder clinicians, just for support people. Each one tackles a real situation, with the exact words to try, what to avoid, and how to look after yourself through it.
- What to say when they refuse a meal
- Holidays and family events
- When your teen says “I hate you”
- Supporting a spouse without becoming the food police
- Taking care of yourself
- Relapse warning signs
Books we recommend to families.
These shaped how we coach families. Our team is happy to talk through any of them with you.
My loved one says they’re fine. What do I do?
Denial is part of the illness. Share what you’ve noticed, specifically and kindly, and suggest a free consult “just to check.” You can call us first on your own to talk it through.
Can I come to therapy without them?
Yes. Parent coaching and family sessions can start before your loved one is ready, and they often help them get there.
Is it my fault?
No. Eating disorders are complex illnesses with genetic, biological and environmental roots. Families don’t cause them, and families are one of the most powerful parts of recovery.
What if they’re over 18?
You can still get support for yourself, share your concerns, and encourage treatment. With their permission, we can include you in their care.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
A free, private call for parents, partners and families. We’ll help you understand what’s happening and what to do next.
Know exactly what to say, in the moment it matters.
Alongside is a 24/7 coach for the people supporting someone with an eating disorder. Built on the approaches leading eating disorder clinicians use and on current research, it tells you exactly what to say and do in the moment, the way an expert clinician would coach you. Type, or talk out loud.
Joyful Therapy Group
Find my match
You can’t love it away. But you can help them beat it.
A coaching guide for the people who love someone with an eating disorder: what to say, what not to say, and how to support without policing or enabling. Written by clinicians, many of whom have been on both sides of the table.
What to say (and not say)Get weekly coaching“I don’t know what to say at dinner anymore.”
“Every time I bring it up, it turns into a fight.”
“Am I helping, or am I making it worse?”
“I’m exhausted, and I’m scared.”
If this is you, you’re in the right place.Separate the person from the illness.
Inside everyone with an eating disorder there are two voices: their healthy self, who wants a full life, and the eating disorder self, who wants control. When your loved one lies, rages or refuses, that’s often the eating disorder talking.
Your job is to stay connected to the healthy self, and to stay calm and firm with the eating disorder. You’re not fighting your child, partner or friend. You’re fighting beside them.
Coaching for your role.
Support looks different for a parent of a 14-year-old than for a husband or a best friend. Pick yours.
Instead of this, try this.
You will say the wrong thing sometimes. Everyone does. Repair counts more than perfection: “I didn’t say that well. Can I try again?”
Support, without policing or enabling.
Most loving families swing between the first two. The goal is the third: warm and firm at the same time.
- Checking plates, trash cans and bathrooms
- Interrogating: “What did you eat today?”
- Weighing them or commenting on their body
- Making new food rules of your own
- Reading their phone or journal
- Cooking separate “safe” meals on demand
- Only buying the foods the disorder allows
- Avoiding restaurants, holidays and events
- Reassuring about weight again and again
- Covering up behaviors or skipped appointments
- Following the meal plan from their team
- Eating together, calmly and regularly
- Validating feelings while holding the plan
- Setting boundaries you can keep
- Talking to the person, not the disorder
Which animal are you today?
A well-known framework for families of people with eating disorders. Most of us slip into the first five under stress. The goal is to spend more time as a dolphin or a St. Bernard.
How to get through a hard meal.
Trust your gut.
- Fainting, dizziness, chest pain or a racing or very slow heartbeat
- Vomiting several times a day, or blood in vomit
- Refusing all food or fluids
- Confusion or extreme weakness
- Any talk of suicide or self-harm
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Caring for someone with an eating disorder is exhausting. Your sleep, your own therapy, your friendships and your marriage all matter, and they make you a steadier support.
Weekly coaching for the people doing the hardest job.
A free weekly email written by our eating disorder clinicians, just for support people. Each one tackles a real situation, with the exact words to try, what to avoid, and how to look after yourself through it.
- What to say when they refuse a meal
- Holidays and family events
- When your teen says “I hate you”
- Supporting a spouse without becoming the food police
- Taking care of yourself
- Relapse warning signs
Books we recommend to families.
These shaped how we coach families. Our team is happy to talk through any of them with you.
My loved one says they’re fine. What do I do?
Denial is part of the illness. Share what you’ve noticed, specifically and kindly, and suggest a free consult “just to check.” You can call us first on your own to talk it through.
Can I come to therapy without them?
Yes. Parent coaching and family sessions can start before your loved one is ready, and they often help them get there.
Is it my fault?
No. Eating disorders are complex illnesses with genetic, biological and environmental roots. Families don’t cause them, and families are one of the most powerful parts of recovery.
What if they’re over 18?
You can still get support for yourself, share your concerns, and encourage treatment. With their permission, we can include you in their care.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
A free, private call for parents, partners and families. We’ll help you understand what’s happening and what to do next.
Know exactly what to say, in the moment it matters.
Alongside is a 24/7 coach for the people supporting someone with an eating disorder. Built on the approaches leading eating disorder clinicians use and on current research, it tells you exactly what to say and do in the moment, the way an expert clinician would coach you. Type, or talk out loud.